Today's Parent | Parenting Resources… Articles, Advice, Help & Tips

Nothing I’ve ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children (Bill Cosby). On the other hand, you may feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz… Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.  Trying to understand your wife, who has now become a mother, can be extremely frustrating at times.  Being moved down on your wife’s list of importance can be devastating.  Let me give you some tips on how to move into this new life of parenthood.

1. Tell her she is a good mom and doing a great job. Most women are terrified of doing the wrong thing as a parent.  We all want to be good moms and secretly fear being bad moms.  When you point out what a good job she did in a particular instance, it will touch her heart in ways you cannot imagine.  It will help increase her confidence in doing what she is doing and help her believe someone has her back in the crazy world of parenthood.

2. Find food. You need to eat, preferably healthy food.  She is exhausted from lack of sleep, hormonal swings, and at times, fears doing the wrong thing with this precious baby.  Bringing home food, cooking it, serving it, and cleaning up afterwards will cause her heart to fill with love for you.  Try to include omelets (or any egg dish); roasted chicken from the grocery store with a salad, fresh or frozen vegetables; grilled meat with fresh or frozen vegetables. Takeout is also acceptable.  Don’t ask her where she wants it from or what she wants.  Figure it out and go get food.

3. Change diapers, empty the dishwasher, and clean the toilet without being asked.

4. Text her. I love you.  Everything is going to be fine, we can do this.  You’re a great mom!  How can I help?  “How can I help” is a great text because you are giving her time to think about it.  During the arsenic hour is not a good time to ask.  The arsenic hour occurs from late afternoon until bedtime, when the baby is fussy and so is mom!  The thought of feeding arsenic to the baby and taking some for herself does not seem like a bad idea during this time. Being asked to make decisions is not good for a frazzled mom; you may get some arsenic, too.

5. Watch the baby while mom goes to the grocery store. Tell her to take her time, that you’ll be fine.  She may even stop at the bookstore or TJ Maxx on the way home.  This is when you get to bond with your baby.  Many times when the mom is present, complete bonding with dad does not take place.  Most people understand the impact a dad has on his son.  Dads also have a huge impact on their daughters.  You need the one-on-one to get the greatest effect.

6. Encourage your wife to seek the company of other moms, with or without the baby. She may need time to go out with her girlfriends to just be.  A mom’s group can be helpful, as well as both of you spending time with other couples. This helps by getting her to spend time around more moms. You can make this happen by offering to take the baby or setting up couples’ night out.

7. Offer love, protection and support with no agenda. There is a statue I see periodically, that warms my heart: It is Joseph, holding Mary, who is holding baby Jesus.  It provides a beautiful picture of love, protection and support. It is what women crave; a time to let her guard down, breathe, and know someone she trusts has her back.  At the end of the day, many women are on empty, with nothing left to give.  When you approach her to give her a hug with an agenda for evening activity, she may close down and push you away.  Try giving her a hug, let her melt into you and rest.  That is all.  In time, as you do this, good things will come.

8. Date night. This is imperative for maintaining your marriage.  Remember when you were dating and courting her?  You need to do this again.  It is not unusual for a couple with children to put their marriage on the back burner.  Years later, as the kids grow up, you begin to wonder who is this person sleeping in my bed?  Your first job is to find a sitter your wife can trust.  At this point, your wife is exhausted with no energy to find a sitter.  The mere thought of leaving her child with someone will feel like ripping off her arm.  This is normal, so you need to ease into this.  Call the school, your friends and your family.  Have the person come over for a while so your wife can see how they interact with the baby.  Next, schedule date night.  Watch the baby while your wife gets ready.  She may not want to go, so just keep talking and ease her out the door.  She will have her phone out and may need to make a couple phone calls home. That’s okay; it will get easier as time goes on.  I suggest doing this every week or two.  As the kids get older, your job is to get the sitter and feed the kids while she gets ready.  As she sweeps into the room ready for her big night out, you are setting a great example for your kids.

9. Parenting as a team is essential. As you spend time together, you and your wife will develop a team approach, which is imperative to raising children.  Two components of teamwork include defining the goal – what values do you want to impart to your children – and getting things done in less time.  Life is much better in a loving, supportive, respectful relationship.  As the years pass by, in time, you will be sitting on the porch, watching your grandchildren.  As your children become frustrated with something their child does, you will laugh and say, you used to do that. Life is good.

10. Stop and give thanks, every day, for the miracle that has come into your life.

Mary B. Seger NP PhD is a wife, mom, grandmother and a certified Nurse Practitioner with a PhD in Natural Health and a Doctorate in Naturopathy.

She has an Integrative Medicine practice at Otsego Memorial Hospital in Gaylord, MI.  Dr. Seger is currently working on a Fellowship in anti-aging and regenerative medicine through the American Academy of Anti-Aging Medicine.  She is the also the author of “Invite Joy into Your Life: Steps for Women Who Want to Rediscover the Simple Pleasures of Living.” Seger teaches continuing education webinars for CEInternational.com to health care professionals on a variety of integrative medicine and women’s topics. She is an avid runner and biker, and participates in 5 and 10k races and duathlons. She also enjoys skiing, kayaking, sailing and knitting prayer shawls. Website: www.maryseger.com. “The Parent Guidebook” can be purchased from www.amazon.com and through the website www.maryseger.com

Prom season is right around the corner, and as I see photos and video clips of the dresses worn this year, a sympathetic grimace creeps over my face. I remember all too well the dilemma of finding the perfect prom dress. Proms are a 4 billion dollar a year industry, and advertisers and department stores are not about to lose money. The dresses are incredibly revealing this year, and that has nothing to do with fashion. What is hot in Italy right now is a more elegant, almost demure look on young women. The focus is on the face, not the body.

The dresses girls are choosing today, focus on sexualizing and objectifying young women. The girls who are buying the dresses to do not understand what is fashionable, rather they are trying to look attractive and “in” with their friends, who are also trying to look attractive and “in.” I am no longer sure who is “in,” but I am sure of one thing: this is a time parents must be “out” rather than be buddies with their child. They must be parents, ready to set a boundary and follow through with rules.

I do recommend moms shop with their daughter. Moms have watched their daughter’s body change and understand their style. Moms also usually control the pocket book, and setting limits with costs is a big part of shopping for anything, including a prom dress. It is important for girls to feel attractive and good about their choice of dress, so moms don’t need to make the decision. However, moms can provide insight. Moms should know the school requirements for prom dresses and be supportive of them. I would suggest that Moms dialogue with their daughter about the dress she chooses. The big picture is something many girls don’t see, so asking simple questions such as, “Can you dance or move in this dress?” is important. Moms also can have the foresight to question how her daughter’s date may feel about the dress, or even more so, what kind of a message is the dress sending to her date’s parents (who will no doubt want photos)? Being comfortable in your dress and not worrying something will show or hang out or over are questions moms should remember.

A prom is a rite of passage, but it is also a wonderful opportunity to teach your daughter the importance of making choices. We encourage our children to grow up and be able to make choices and learn from their mistakes. They need to practice this at home. Parents create the opportunity by setting clear boundaries, choices and follow through. Below are a few suggestions that can help you help your daughter learn from the consequences of their choices. Choosing a prom dress is a great place to practice this.

1. Explain why a particular dress is inappropriate (it shows too much skin; it doesn’t flatter her body in a beautiful way, it makes her look as if she is trying to get sexual attention).

2. Explain why the behavior is inappropriate (rather than sexual attention, she may want attention in general). Explaining that if she wants to be respected, a different dress would help her attain that. Explain also that girls who wear explicit garments many times feel undesired and have a shallow self-esteem. They then attract people who will make them feel even more that way. Read More

You won’t find this card in a Hallmark store. Even Facebook does not know about it. But Dad’s Day is officially the second Sunday in June (aka the Sunday before Father’s Day).

How it came to be an official family holiday is anybody’s guess. My stepchildren wanted to celebrate Father’s Day with me, but visitation stipulated that they be with their biological father on that day. So, they created Dad’s Day.

Let me tell you a little something about Dad’s Day. It is by far the best day of the year and it’s because it goes beyond what a traditional Father’s Day is all about. No cheesy ties, no cookie-cutter greeting cards. An authentic holiday.

Typically, Dad’s Day involves some sort of family activity. Given the time of year, baseball usually factors into a Dad’s Day. Sometimes it is a game my stepson might be playing in. Or, it could be taking the kids to a minor league baseball game. It always involves a cake made by the kids and a gift that carries more than a little sentimental value. Last year’s gift was a keeper–a tie with a photo of all of us on it.

Dad’s Day took on a more special meaning the first year our daughter was around. She was born on May 22, so she was about two or three weeks old at the time. I think I cried. Okay, I definitely cried. The children’s reaction to their new sister (who was 12 and 10 years younger than her siblings) had truly floored me and it all came to a head on Dad’s Day.

A special footnote to that Dad’s Day, my stepson was the winning pitcher in his baseball game. The game ball still sits on my mantle.

What truly made this Dad’s Day special occurred a week later on Father’s Day. The older children were away and my wife had planned a quiet day with the baby and me. She had some small gifts but wanted to do a little more. I said “no”.

Why?

When you are a new father and working on far less sleep than you’re used to, you often find yourself reacting solely on emotion. This is not a recommended life strategy, but in terms of celebrating a holiday without two of my children, it just felt right.

“No. Either we celebrate with all three or not at all.” Not sure where that came from.

Logically, it made sense as a first-time father to celebrate Father’s Day. But it just didn’t feel right. So, we made the conscious decision to celebrate Dad’s Day only. That’s all our youngest has ever known and she loves it every bit as much as her brother and sister.

On the surface, Dad’s Day may seem like a slap at the biological father. It is really not intended that way. Let’s be honest though. Many stepfathers willingly accept their wives’ children and, in some cases, walk into some pretty sticky situations with the ex-spouse. You pretty much expect to be picking up the slack for somebody else. It sometimes seems like a thankless job and at the end of the day they are still not your children, at least in one very significant way.

Though it may not always seem like it, your stepchildren do appreciate you on some level. They may know it now or it may not dawn on them until they are older, but having a special stepfather’s day gives them a way to say thank you. Just as a birthday is as important to parents as to the child whose birthday it is, Dad’s Day is your kids’ day, too.

Whether it’s the Sunday before Father’s Day or some other time, celebrate Dad’s Day once a year. Make it a special time with you and your children. You will find, as I have, that it’s the very best day of the year.

Joe D’Eramo is the author of “25 Ways to go from Stepfather to StepDad.” The book sells on Amazon.com for $9.95. D’Eramo also created a Facebook page for stepparents, parents and children to share their blended family stories. That page is http://www.facebook.com/mystepdad.

It is possible to raise kind, well-mannered children with no yelling, no spanking, and no time-outs. When I created the Privileges System three years ago, my daughter needed boundaries… fast.  I always said, “I won’t have a brat,” but I had to admit that if I didn’t act soon, I would indeed have one.  Now I get compliments on her behavior, and though she’s not perfect (who would want the perfect child?), she is polite and respectful.  The best part is that she even recognizes other children who need to use this system!

You can bring peace and harmony back into your home by using the Privileges System for Children.  Here’s how it works, in ten easy steps:

1. Say to your child, “Wouldn’t it be great if you got to do what you wanted and Mommy and Daddy didn’t have to yell anymore?” (The answer is quite likely to be, “Yes!”)

2. Each day, ask your child to choose approximately 5 – 8 privileges that he or she would like to enjoy.  You write (or sketch, if your child is a non-reader) one privilege per sticky note and attach the sticky notes to a place that is easily visible to you and your child.

3. Any time the child engages in inappropriate behavior (whining, pouting, bossing, tugging, stalling, pestering, etc.), name the behavior and count.  For example, “I hear you whining.  I’m counting that as number one.  If you continue to whine, I will continue to count.  If I reach three, you will lose a privilege.” Only wait about ten seconds to count to the next number if the behavior does not improve.  If the behavior does improve but reemerges later, start the counting over.

4. It is imperative that you remain calm and never try to talk your child into stopping the behavior.  Calmly name the behavior, and then count.  When you reach three (and you must, for the system to work), say, “You have reached number three.  You have lost the privilege of _____ for today.”  You choose the privilege that is to be “counted out.” Just because you are giving choices does not mean that you give up control of the system.

5. Once a privilege is “counted out,” it is highly likely that your child will react with tears, pleading, more whining, and whatever else is in his behavioral arsenal.  If that happens, you may simply say, “I am sad, too, that you made the choice to continue that behavior.  I was looking forward to watching you enjoy that privilege.”

6. Remove the sticky note representing the privilege that was “counted out” from its place and put it inside a kitchen cabinet, or somewhere else that is out of sight.  That privilege is gone for today, but remember… tomorrow is another day.

7. If inappropriate behavior ensues following the loss of a privilege, simply name the behavior and count again.  It is not unusual for a child to lose two or three privileges quickly when you first begin the system.  Some parents choose to begin with more than five privileges if they anticipate their children will lose them quickly at first. Read More

Fast-paced changes in today’s digital world have parents grappling with an unprecedented challenge—how best to integrate media and technology into their children’s lives.

It is a time to seize opportunities. Healthy use of media and technology by the youngest children is possible—and more important—than ever. We are seeing an explosion in the number of digital resources that can have an impact on the intellectual, social, emotional and physical development of children birth through age 5.

The challenge for parents is to select the videos, games and devices that have a real, positive developmental impact—and use them in ways that promote growth.

Follow these tips for navigating the digital age:

Keep it interactive. The way a digital tool is used is as important as the tool itself; adult-child interaction should be emphasized. Rather than putting on a television show or handing over your smartphone and walking away, create a dialogue. Sit and discuss what you are seeing, ask questions, encourage imaginative ways to explore similar subjects in the outside world.

Match use with age. Children’s needs change as they develop. Any media use with infants and toddlers should be an interactive experience with adults, such as reading an e-book together; older pre-school children may enjoy exploring a touch screen or using video to record and view their play.

Have fun, stay engaged. Children’s media and technology are best when they support active, hands-on, creative and authentic engagement with the people and world around them. Look for games, websites and apps that encourage outdoor activity, healthy eating, critical thinking and other real-world skills.

Promote digital literacy. By modeling appropriate use of digital media, adults can help children learn to use the wealth of tools at their disposal in smart, healthy ways that complement their growth and give them greater access to the opportunities of the digital age.

The most important guidance of all is for parents and families to know their children’s unique interests and needs and to be aware of how the family’s media habits can affect learning and development for even the youngest child.

Michael Robb, Ph.D., Director of Education and Research at the Rogers Center. Robb manages the Rogers Center’s newest program, the Fred Rogers Center Early Learning EnvironmentTM (Ele). Located at www.yourele.org, the site provides parents free digital resources and guidance, and empowers them as teachers of early language literacy. For more information and resources, visit the Fred Rogers Center Early Learning EnvironmentTM—or Ele (pronounced El-Lee), a free online resource. Ele has selected and sorted some of the best quality digital tools on the web, and helps adults develop their ability to use digital tools in ways that promote children’s healthy development. Visit www.yourele.org.

The mission of the Fred Rogers Center at Saint Vincent College is to advance the fields of early learning and children’s media by acting as a catalyst for communication, collaboration, and creative change. The Center houses the Fred Rogers Archive, including videos and materials from Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. The national signature programs of the Center are the Early Career Fellows program, the Fred Rogers Center Early Learning EnvironmentTM, and the Fred Forward Conference Series.

Additional information about the Fred Rogers Center is available at www.fredrogerscenter.org or 724-805- 2750.

Teens and technology. These days they’re as inseparable as toddlers and their teddy bears. When your teens (and, increasingly, tweens) aren’t updating their Facebook pages they’re probably texting friends or blaring music through mp3 players. And here’s the irony: Today’s young people are more “connected” than any other generation in history, but they have a general inability to, well, connect. In fact, many can barely carry on the most basic conversations and have trouble articulating what they want or need.

I’m not saying the digital world is the reason why young people struggle to function in the real one. At least it’s not the only one. It’s more like a crutch. Because technology is so pervasive, teens use it as a substitute for real conversations. And so they don’t hone those critical skills.

The ability to engage and collaborate with others in a meaningful way is critical in a global society. So when young people don’t learn how, they really do hurt their chances for a successful life.

Learning to engage and connect, of course, begins long before the teen years. Kids learn by doing. And just as we must push kids to clean their rooms and do their homework, it’s up to us as parents to force them to interact with others in persuasive, polite, and engaging ways.

Technology is only part of the problem. The other part is that we tend to do things for our kids that we need to be teaching them to do for themselves. We set up their dental appointments, for example. We place their orders in restaurants. We talk to their teachers. We call in sick for them when they need to miss a day of school. We do these things because we’ve always done them—and in the process we squander what could be rich learning opportunities.

The truth is, parents just don’t think about turning these tasks over to their kids. It’s never occurred to them. But when they step back and let kids manage these kinds of everyday situations—and provide plenty of coaching along the way—they’re surprised by how quickly they begin to blossom.

Giving parents the tools they’ll need to help their children develop a strong ability to connect with others is the focus of my latest book. As a bonus, the my seventeen-year-old daughter, Lizzie, wrote the last two chapters. They are meant to be read by Lizzie’s fellow teens and tweens in order to provide a peer’s perspective on the elements of building and maintaining real relationships in a wired and fast-paced world.

Read on to learn about six strategies that you can incorporate into your family’s life, as well as the skills they’ll help your kids develop naturally and organically:

Have them place a restaurant order. If you’re like many parents you’re eager to hurry things along in restaurants so you get in the habit of ordering for the whole family. The next time you’re dining out, though, use it as an opportunity for your child to interact with the server in a way that gets results. Instruct him to order his own meal, complete with requests to hold the pickles or bring extra ketchup or ranch for the fries. You can also prompt your child to thank the waitress when his meal is delivered and encourage him to engage with her in positive ways when she checks in throughout the meal.

This is a good chance for your child to see firsthand which words and even which tone get results. During this type of interaction, kids learn to manage and impart several specific, personalized details. Be sure to explain to them how much more smoothly all transactions go when you, the customer, are clear and accurate. You can also point out that you get better treatment—more attentive service and maybe even free dessert—when you are polite and respectful as opposed to demanding or rude.

Help them return an item to a store, especially at a busy time. At some point, your child is going to receive a birthday gift she already owns, a sweater from Aunt Grace that might have fit her two years ago, or a toy that’s damaged or missing a part. When you make the trip to the customer service desk, be sure to bring your daughter along. Ask her to explain why she is returning the item and to specify whether she’d like an exchange, cash, or store credit. And (as always) remind her to use “please” and “thank you.”

Dealing with long lines, hassled employees, and confusing return policies can be a challenge, even for adults! Having your child take the lead might take a bit more time, but it’ll be an invaluable lesson to her in negotiating, using what she knows (the store’s return policy) for the outcome she wants (like a sweater that fits). Especially if the customer service rep is frazzled or if your child is in the wrong (for example, she lost the receipt), she’ll be able to see firsthand that politeness and understanding can—sometimes—smooth things over. Also, seeing positive results will teach her that it’s worth the effort to correct a problem rather than just ‘letting it go’ and absorbing the financial loss.

Ask them to set up an appointment. Whenever he needs to visit the doctor, dentist, or hairstylist (or even when your dog needs to go to the vet!), ask him to call and book the appointment. Instruct him to be as detailed as possible when requesting a visit time, and help him to look at the calendar before confirming to make sure there’s not a conflict.

Making his own appointments will help your child fine-tune his phone etiquette and ability to pay attention to details. He’ll also learn to make decisions and navigate his own schedule while working with someone else’s. As he gets older, you can begin to let him request specific services, relay insurance information, and more. Lastly, if you need to cancel an appointment for any reason, allow your child to make the call and reschedule. The lessons he learns about time management and dealing with uncomfortable conversations will be invaluable well into adulthood.

Help them to decline invitations. Between friends’ birthday parties, cousins’ graduation celebrations, classmates’ bar mitzvahs, and more, your child is going to be invited to events that she is unable to attend. Once she has looked at the calendar and seen that she’s already busy (or in a more extreme instance, you’ve looked at plane tickets and decided they’re too expensive), go over polite refusals with her so that she knows what to say. Then ask her to call the event’s host and explain why she can’t attend. Read More

The Homework Trap is a lifelong condition that starts in elementary school, transitions into middle and high school, and has implications for later adult life. The sooner one understands and addresses this issue; the more likely it is that you’ll have a positive result. Yet, it is true that the full implications of the homework trap do not emerge until the middle school years, and that parents need help addressing this problem regardless of what has happened in the years before.

In elementary school, the parent generally deals with one major teacher, who is giving the child all the homework he has to do. The parent gets called in because the child is completing only some of the assignments. Whether the missed assignments are in math, English, social studies or science, the teacher is viewing the entire picture, and sees that your child is doing some of the work.

In middle school, the child is given four or five major subject teachers. Most often, the child enters middle school with a great deal of hope that this year things will be different. It is very important to note this process, which is often overlooked since it speaks so clearly to the myth of motivation, and the misconception that the child does not care. The child may show piqued interest in all of those subjects, but faces the same problem he had in elementary school, which is that he can’t do all of the work in a reasonable amount of time. Unlike prior years when the child did some of his homework for his one teacher, he now does all of his homework for some of his teachers. Often, that child feels very proud of his newfound success. The teachers for whom he works give him the recognition that he desperately wanted but could not get when he was back in elementary school. He thinks he has finally solved his homework problems. His parents, who are desperate to see success, join him in the view that he is on the right track. Then, the calls start coming in. By October, the parents learn that he’s done nothing at all for one or two of his teachers and the child is perceived as having lied. In reality, the child thought he was doing well, and feels deceived by the response he now gets.

From there, the child gets increasingly pressed to “catch up” on the work he did not do, and with that falls behind in the courses where he had been doing well. Like a house of cards, course after course goes downhill, and the child gets more obstinate and more homework trapped.

The key to middle school success is the assignment of a study skills teacher. In some schools, students are afforded a study hall. If so, the student needs to be assigned to a small study hall with a teacher there to help him with his homework. If the school does not have regular study halls, then they have to create one for the homework-trapped children. Read More

Parents and educators are always trying to spark student participation whether it’s in the classroom, in the local community, or throughout the world.

When middle-school students at Allison Academy in North Miami Beach were asked what they could do to improve their country, they focused on what they understood – bullying, violence and racism.

Those problems are all rooted in the same issues. They stem from a lack of personal integrity and absence of social responsibility.

Children who choose to put those values into practice are actively working toward peace. But they can only put into practice what they’ve learned; instilling those values may seem simple, but many parents miss the mark and actually model the opposite.

Throwing money at social problems like racism or violence doesn’t resolve them. But children can.

The energy from kids’ excitement can make a real difference and we need their energy focused right here at home. They see problems; it’s up to us to give them the tools to address them.

The following tips can help parents teach their children personal integrity and social responsibility, giving them the keys to world peace.

• Never lie in front of your kids. It may seem obvious, but many parents lie in front of their children or encourage them to lie; misstating a child’s age to save money on movie tickets or allowing them to take credit for school projects completed by the parent.  These seemingly inconsequential lies suggest it’s OK, even good, to distort the truth. This causes long-term damage a million times more costly than whatever was gained in the short term.

• Give your kids a reason why. Author Mark Twain once said that the two most important days of your life are the day you are born and the day you figure out why. If you fail to tell your kids why we are here, you have missed the opportunity to figure out what motivates them and gets them excited. This is the most important key to getting kids’ cooperation and empowering them to help the world.

• Don’t criticize your children. Criticism is toxic, so why do almost all parents criticize their kids?  When we focus on what they aren’t, they believe they can’t. This creates angry children who express their pain by bullying others.  It’s better to tell them how you feel rather than what you think of them, e.g., “I feel frustrated that you didn’t listen to me,” or “Can you say that in a more loving way?”

• Don’t speak badly about other people. This is probably one of the hardest things to do, considering we’re a generation that pays for gossip.  Speaking badly about others teaches kids to look for what they view as the negative in others and take joy in sharing it.

• Model charity. Actions speak louder than any words. When you teach kindness to children, they tend to feel empathy and have more successful lives, a crucial step toward achieving world peace.

Once we tackle the issues plaguing America, then as a model nation, we will be ready to tackle world peace. Kids are hungry to form an identity and make their mark on the world. It’s easier to try to bring peace to another country, but that never works. We need to start at home.

Rachel Albert is a certified court reporter and business owner. “Quest to Telos” is her debut novel; it’s being used by a private school to develop an inspirational, critical-thinking curriculum for middle-school students ready by the summer. Albert is currently working on a sequel. She is a staunch advocate of boosting teen literacy while inspiring kids to make a difference starting with their own hearts.

It can happen without you even realizing what’s going on. You’re driving home from work and see a shiny new SUV in your neighbor’s driveway. Gee, you think, I’d really like to upgrade our vehicle too. I wish we had enough money on hand for a down payment. Or maybe you’re scrolling through your Facebook newsfeed and see a newly posted album of your friend’s kids. It seems like they’re always so well behaved, you sigh. I’m lucky if my boys will stay still long enough to take a picture—forget having clean faces and combed hair!

It’s true: Most of us compare ourselves to—and try to keep up with—the proverbial “Joneses” on a near-constant basis. And that’s definitely not a good thing.

Being in the clutches of the green-eyed monster can really sabotage your overall happiness. That’s because envy makes you focus on what you don’t have instead of all of the great things you do have.

Social media has really exacerbated the extent to which envy affects our lives. Think about it: Sites like Twitter and Facebook allow people to live their lives in full view of others…and sugarcoat every aspect of them. When you log on, you’re bound to see pictures and posts that read, “Most beautiful wedding ever!” “This was a dream vacation in paradise!” or “Drinks on me—I just got a promotion!”

As you’re scrolling through this never-ending list of good news, it’s all too easy to feel like you’ve gotten the short end of the stick and say, “Woe is me!” And, of course, it doesn’t help that your Facebook newsfeed doesn’t ever go away. You can always torture yourself by taking a look at how much “better” everybody else has it.

But here’s the thing: While you’re living your life in a constant haze of jealousy, you don’t see the other side of the coin. What social media might not tell you is that the friend who got a promotion might also have just had a huge fight with her spouse. But unless she is one of those people who thrive on drama, she isn’t going to post those details of her personal life…and you won’t know that things aren’t as perfect as they seem.

The bottom line is, jealousy doesn’t do anybody any good. It makes you feel needlessly unhappy, and it can negatively affect your relationship with others. Here are six tips to help you banish envy the next time it starts to rear its ugly head:

Admit that envy is a problem. To some extent, envy is natural. You can’t go through your life without feeling jealous from time to time. So first, simply take note of when and why the green-eyed monster makes an appearance. (You may not even have consciously realized what you’re feeling!) Specifically, be aware of how strong your emotions are and what effect they have on your attitude and behavior.

You don’t have to take your emotional temperature every five minutes, but being generally aware of the role envy plays in your life can really make a difference in your behavior. For instance, if you’re carrying around a lot of anger toward a coworker because the boss liked his project proposal instead of yours, it could be making you unnecessarily snarky, critical, and negative. That means that you’re ruining your own day and hurting your performance…and you might also be burning some office bridges you’ll regret later!

Remember that “happiness” looks different for everyone. When you’re constantly comparing yourself to the Joneses, you’ll suffer several unintended consequences. First, worrying about how you don’t measure up robs you of your present happiness. Plus, it leaves you unable to think about how you really want your own life to look.

We talk about the American dream of a house, a pool, two cars in the garage, and the proverbial white picket fence. But the truth is, the same cookie-cutter mold doesn’t work for everybody! The lifestyle that makes your neighbor or your cousin or your dentist happy might not work for you. And if that’s the case, who cares if it’s flashier, more glamorous, or ‘cooler’? Trust me, when you give yourself permission to live your life on your terms instead of letting others set the bar (and feeling jealous as a result), you might be surprised by how good you already have it.

Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Yes, living with an “attitude of gratitude” is a clichéd concept. But infusing it into your life will also totally change your viewpoint…especially if you have a chronic case of “the envies.” The fact is, it’s very easy to take things for granted: the information your coworker emailed you, the fact that your car is running, and even the food you’re eating for dinner. Most of us have gotten into the habit of ignoring all of the good things in our lives, and instead, we focus our mental energy on being upset about what’s wrong. But it can be a true game changer when you reverse the time you spend thinking about each.

Over the course of my life, I have learned that it’s smarter to thank others because of how they make your life better instead of secretly resenting them because they have something you don’t. And yes, it does take a while to make this change in how you habitually think. To start tapping into the power of gratitude, just say ‘thanks’ to the people who help you out during your day. (You might even work up to writing thank-you notes, as I do.) And beyond that, try to notice all of the blessings in your life. For me, my wonderful wife and extraordinary son top the list, as well as the fact that I finally get to do what I love—help others live happier lives. In time, you’ll start to notice that most of your envy has miraculously left the building. Read More

Small talk is an important skill for any connector, regardless of age, to master. From the check-out line at the grocery store to the person sitting next to you on a flight, you just never know which connection can result in something big or wonderful. When you look at it that way, every connection you don’t make is a potential opportunity missed, so engaging meaningfully is a skill that’s best learned early. Here are five strategies your kids can use to connect with people in any scenario.

• Share something extra about themselves. When adults meet a new child, they’ll often ask easy-to-answer stock questions like, “What’s your name? How old are you?” In addition to providing the “bare bones” answer, help your children think of something extra they can offer. For instance, your son might say, “Hi, I’m Billy. I’m five years old and I love to play baseball!” Voilà! What might have been a standard teeth-pulling session has just been transformed into a bona fide conversation.

• Be complimentary. Whether you’re seven or seventy-seven, a compliment is always a great way to break the conversational ice. To get started, teach your kids to comment on something interesting the other person is wearing. For example, “I love that necklace you’re wearing. It’s so pretty!” Or, “Wow, your shirt is my very favorite color.”

• Talk about the weather. Sure, commenting on the weather has a rather “blah” reputation, but the fact is, it works, and it’s a great way to ease into a conversation with someone you don’t know very well. Teach kids to pay attention to their surroundings so they can comment on them during small talk. For example, “Have you been enjoying the nice weather?” Or, “I hope it doesn’t rain next week, because my Girl Scout troop is supposed to march in the parade.”

• Find things in common. If you can find a common interest with the person to whom you’re speaking, small talk can turn from mediocre to meaningful in an instant. Teach your kids to be aware of conversational and external cues. If your daughter notices that someone is wearing a Braves jersey and she’s also a fan, she can strike up a conversation about the latest game. Or if your son hears someone say that she’s from Columbus, Ohio, he might say, “My grandparents live near Columbus. Don’t you love the zoo there?” (Hint: If you are going into a situation and think of some common interests ahead of time, go ahead and arm your kids with them!)

• Wrap it up well. One of the trickiest parts of small talk is the conclusion. Give kids a few lines they can use to wrap up a conversation before it veers into awkward silence. “It was great to meet you. I hope to see you again soon! Have a nice vacation!”

Maribeth Kuzmeski, MBA, CSP, is the author of six books including “…And the Clients Went Wild!” and “The Connectors” (Wiley), and is a frequent national media contributor and international speaker. Maribeth and her firm, Red Zone Marketing, Inc., consult and train businesses from financial services firms to Fortune 500 corporations on strategic marketing planning and business growth. She has personally consulted with some of the world’s most successful CEOs, entrepreneurs, and professionals. Maribeth lives in the Chicago, IL, area with her husband and two teenagers.

Lizzie Kuzmeski is a teenager and a natural connector. She enjoys theatre, horseback riding, and, yes, Facebook. ?

“The Engaging Child: Raising Children to Speak, Write, and Have Relationship Skills Beyond Technology” (Red Zone Publishing, 2012, ISBN: 978-0-9717780-3-0, $18.95) is available at bookstores nationwide and from major online booksellers.

For more information, please visit www.theengagingchild.com.