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Just Stop the Screaming!

June 10th, 2011

Carol

1 Comments

It’s a thought all of us parents have at some point during the process of raising children, especially during the toddler years. Yes, remember those terrible twos? How could you forget, right?

What did you find worked best during those screaming sessions to finally get your child to calm down? My children unfortunately — and fortunately — take after me in their stubbornness. So a temper tantrum with one of them can be long lasting, especially since I’m much more stubborn than they can be (I’ve had years more practice after all) and I’ve never given in to a tantrum. I found the best way to get away from the tantrum was to distract them before the screaming starts from whatever they were focusing on to get them upset in the first place. It’s a good strategy that only works if you see it coming.

Changing your focus is just one step of three in changing an emotion. Emotions are comprised of three parts (the triad): language, focus and physiology. Which means if you change what you are thinking about, how you are talking to yourself about it and how you are sitting (or standing or the expression on your face, etc.), you can change your emotion. Often just changing one part will influence your emotional state. Starting with your physiology is often the easiest — just smile, force it if you have to.

Does this mean we are in charge of our emotions? Absolutely. If we can actively change our emotions then it’s more like we do emotions than just feel them. I know this can be a controversial thing to say. This is not what most of us were taught to believe.

A lot of people were taught that emotions just happen, and we have no control over them. It’s a very “life happens to me” point of view that took me a good deal of years to realize didn’t have to be true. I wondered how my life would have been different if I had learned this as a child and vowed to teach our children so they could be in charge of their emotions; be in charge of their lives as they grow. When our children understand they are in charge of their emotions, they can understand that no one else can “make” them feel something.

In our house, we use language like “Why are you doing grumpy?” and “You can decide to feel better.” When something bad happens we ask our children “what else could this mean?” We go through different possibilities that seem easier to handle emotionally.

There will be unpleasant situations that bring up negative emotions in all of us, especially children who can be so sensitive to things around them. In the beginning people will feel hurt, angry, fearful, etc. Negative emotions have a place and need to be felt through too. For instance, when we assign fear to something, it tells us to be cautious. The trouble is we are no longer being chased by saber-tooth tigers and therefore often unnecessarily assign fear to things.

There comes a point though when the negative emotion no longer serves and we have a choice. At that point we can choose to linger in the negative or change all or parts of our triad to feel better. The first part to changing an emotion is deciding. How do you want to feel? I’ve not heard many people say they want to feel sad, hurt, angry or whatever negative emotion they are feeling. Once you are aware, you can decide to feel something else and change your emotion.

As parents, it is part of our job to teach our children the intricacies of emotions. Next time your child is doing grumpy, you can ask your child how he or she wants to feel. Ask your child, do you like feeling _____? Do you want to feel good? Even at their worst neither of my children said they like feeling bad. At a young age, children haven’t figured out things they can do to change how they feel. As a parent you can guide them by asking questions to help them think about something else. You can put on music and get them up to dance with you; this changes their focus and their physiology all at once.

If your children are as stubborn as mine can be, you can take drastic measures into your tickling hands. After all, it’s hard to feel down at the same time as when you are laughing!

Amelia DuRocher lives in Denver, Colo., where she is a mother, children’s book author and certified strategic interventionist (aka life coach). She takes her training and personal research in self-help into her primary focus of parenting her two children and creating fun to read, self-help books for children. Her books include: 3 Steps to Happy: Stop, Snap and Smile and Me to the Rescue (to be released soon). She blogs about parenting and other aspects of life at www.thistle-glow.com.