Tips for Communications and Reaching Out to Teenagers
September 24th, 2010 
Carol 
As your child moves into the teen years they become more independent. They spend more time away from home: at school, with friends, jobs and after-school activities. It’s important to stay involved and connected. You may find that the following techniques make communicating easier and more effective.
1. Pick your time and place. Pick the correct time and place to speak with a teen by observing the teen and adapting to the teen’s needs. The most effective communications take place where there are minimal diversions. Many times, the best turf is home, specifically the teen’s room. (Be respectful if the door is closed and knock before entering).
2. Maintain a positive attitude. Look for the good. Once, when I was trying to give my son “constructive criticism” and told him so, he looked at me and said, “Criticism is criticism.” I understood what he meant. Try not to put the teen down, because this will make him angry and defensive.
3. Show respect. To be respected, a person has to show respect to others. My mother taught me that it is good to let the teen speak first; it shows you are listening. Don’t interrupt; no matter how much you may disagree, let the teen finish speaking. Show respect as you would to an adult.
4. Be supportive. Try not to take a position or side against the teenager. Most situations are not purely black or white. Yes, some issues allow no room for compromise. Many issues are not concrete and allow room for exploration.
5. You know that you are the boss. It is not necessary to pound this into a teen’s head. There is no need to threaten the teen when communicating. Threats cut off communication.
6. Keep your cool. A teenager will attempt to push your buttons. As a teen gets louder, it is a good technique to do the opposite and speak in a low voice; this will help diffuse the teen’s anger.
7. Show empathy. We were all teenagers, and with the fun there was misery. Try to identify with the teen’s situation and feelings as you listen.
8. Avoid rude words. If the teenager starts to use inappropriate words, simply ask the teen to “please not use rude words.” Keep your cool and don’t get into a cursing match. Use a soft tone and ask them respectfully not to use rude words.
9. Listen. Know when to stop talking and start listening. Make your point and then listen to the teen’s response. The more you talk and lecture, the more likely you are to lose the teen’s attention.
10. Don’t belabor mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes, especially when they are young. If the teenager did something wrong, tell the teen what is wrong and how to deal with the situation the next time. Urge the teen to try and not make the same mistake twice.
11. Support. Let teens know you are there for them. You want a teen to feel that he or she can speak to you when there is a problem and you won’t pounce on them. A teenager has to feel comfortable talking to you.
12. Let them vent. If the teenager is very angry, let them yell and scream; you can take it. As long as the teen is not violent and not hurting anything, let him get the anger out of his system.
13. You’re the adult. Control your own behavior when communicating with the teenager so that they have an example of the proper way to communicate – don’t become a teenager, you’ve been there and done that.
14. Don’t underestimate humor. Try to have a sense of humor with the teenager. This is definitely difficult, but humor softens a situation.
15. Thank the teen. Let the teenager know that you appreciate them communicating with you.
Brad Berger, author of “AIM HIGH! 101 Tips For Teens.” To help teenagers learn how to act in school and life, have them read “AIM HIGH! 101 Tips For Teens,” a book written expressly for teens in the short style they use for IMs (instant messages) and tweets. Sample pages at www.aimhigh101tips.com. “AIM HIGH!” is sold in both English and Spanish editions exclusively at amazon.com. A free app of the book is available at the iTunes store in English, Spanish and French for iPhone, iPad and iTouch. ©Berger 2010
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